I'm part of the mentor programme for ARCH in Bradford and have been since 12th of January 2015. I want to tell you a bit of my history and what lead me to working here now, so here is my story.
My struggles began when I was in my early teens, I’m not
sure why, but I seemed to be on self destruct mode from about the age of
12. It began with rebellion and being awful at home, not doing anything I was
asked and disappearing whenever I liked, soon after that I began drinking with
my friends on a weekend and smoking cannabis. This continued until I was around
15 at which point I became pregnant, this caused my mental state to deteriorate
further and after my daughter was born I developed post natal depression. 
I managed to hold it together for a while, I had my own house, car and job. I was taking responsibility for my daughter, but I was not dealing with the depression and I continued to smoke cannabis and go out partying on a Thursday, Friday and Saturday every week. It was at this time I was introduced to other “party” drugs and I began to use those occasionally too.
Because I wasn’t dealing with the depression it continued to
get worse, then a chance encounter on my way home from the pub one day, with a
guy who said he worked in a rehab. He changed my life for ever.
The man infact didn't work in a rehab; he was actually a service user. Unfortunately suffering
with depression, low self esteem and no
confidence I was an easy target for him.
When I began taking heroin I did not know what it was. I didn’t really
have any understanding of it, I couldn’t understand 
why this man I'd met could't stop
taking it for me. That was my downfall, I tried it to see what was so good about
it. I had some savings at that time, so as long as I was using he could too,
looking back it sounds crazy that I
would be so stupid . As soon as the
money was gone he was gone and I was left with an addiction with no idea how to
stop it. 
I was in active addiction for almost ten years and through
out that time I experienced a lot of different issues. I experienced
homelessness, I lived in derelict flats and once in a car that I owned at the
time, I used many of the different services that were on offer. I
had lost all my friends and because of
the guilt I felt, I stayed away from my
family most of the time as I had convinced myself that my daughter was better
off without me in her life. The only
people I had in my life now were other users so that’s who I surrounded
myself with. There were many times when
I had no one and nothing, no where to live, no food to eat. That just served as a reminder of how I had
failed and led me further into addiction. By now I was smoking crack most days
as well as taking heroin, sometimes cannabis too and benzodiazepine, anything
to make me forget how bad I felt.
Then in 2005 I found out that I was pregnant. By the time I
found out I was almost five months pregnant, I knew it wasn’t my baby’s fault I
was an addict and through bridge I gained a place at a residential rehab in
Oldham. I moved there when I was 26 weeks pregnant. During my time in there I did some group work
and addressed some of my issues, I reduced my methadone and thankfully when my
second daughter was born she was fine.
When my daughter was born I had to move out of rehab. I had
only been there 12 weeks. Nowhere near long enough to resolve all of the issues
I had bottled up for so long. I moved back in with my parents but before long temptation
got the better of me and I began using again. My parents threw me out and I
moved in with a girl I met at the rehab, who had also relapsed. That lasted a
couple of 
weeks, I was still torn, trying to do what was best for my daughter
but also satisfying my cravings, again this just made me feel more of a failure and more guilty. Thankfully at this time I got a place in
supported housing project for young mums, which was staffed. This gave me a
chance to put a bit of distance between me and my “friends” as I knew my
tenancy would be terminated if they suspected me of using . 
With the help of the staff at my housing I was able to begin
doing a college course; this again was a great distraction and allowed me to
make some new friends who at the time were a great distraction from using. I
was still living in two worlds though doing college, looking after my daughter,
maintaining my tenancy, but there were still times when I would use, mainly
when I got paid. 
Although I had stopped using heroine and crack I was now
using other drugs with my new friends. On top of this, the relationship I had
began had turned very nasty, very quickly. I was physically and verbally abused
for 2 and a half years and was made to feel like it was all my fault and just worthless in general. I was
still on subutex and so was my partner. After two and a half years I had a breakdown
because of the mental stress the relationship was causing me, it was a really
difficult position to be in. I was in a relationship with a man I loved, he
said he loved me too but then he would physically and emotionally attack me for
no reason. It got to a point where I was considering using heroine as an option
for dealing with all this stress. I knew I had to get out, but I was very
frightened about what would happen if I left him. 
As a result of my breakdown I was referred to the community mental
health team. I was suffering from anxiety, panic attacks and depression. They referred me onto a course called
stresspac which is a course run by the community mental health team that helps
you to recognise what is causing you stress and also how to deal with it. I had also had my name down on a waiting list
for counselling from the together women project. I had been waiting for a few months
and then I got a call whilst I was on the stesspac course, I began my counselling
sessions the next week. I expected to go there and have loads of unresolved
issues from when I was using. What actually happened was that I went there and
with the help of my councillor I was able to see that the life I was living was
not the life that I wanted to live, I wanted to change my life, I had been
ready to change my life for a while and counselling opened my eyes to what I
needed to do to make this happen. I knew
that walking away would mean having to
walk away from everyone I knew but I was willing to do that.
On the 18th of January 2012 I ended the relationship
I was in. That was really scary, I didn't know how he would react, I had
thrown him out loads of times before and it had resulted in various violent
incidents and the police being called on many occasions. This time he just
went, looking back I think he thought I would let him back in the next couple
of days, as I had before. That day I
moved
in with my parents, by this time my relationship with them had improved a
lot and they were really supportive of what I was doing. I never went back to
my house again, only to pack up my things. I stayed with my parents for 2
months. During this time I went to see my worker at bridge and told her that I
was now ready to do a serious reduction plan. We discussed it and a plan was
made which would see me be clean of medication by the next January.
in with my parents, by this time my relationship with them had improved a
lot and they were really supportive of what I was doing. I never went back to
my house again, only to pack up my things. I stayed with my parents for 2
months. During this time I went to see my worker at bridge and told her that I
was now ready to do a serious reduction plan. We discussed it and a plan was
made which would see me be clean of medication by the next January.
At this time I was still being hounded by my ex I had
changed my phone number, address, email address, my daughters number, and he
was still trying to access me through my parents and by turning up at my old
house. I decided that I needed to move away for my own safety and the safety of
the children.
At this time this was the best thing I did, I moved to the
east coast where my sister lived with her husband and son, so I still had
family support. I managed to get a job
in a warehouse, initially part time which quickly led to a full time trainee
manager position. I loved it, I was able through work to slowly build my
confidence and it was the best decision I ever made. 
It was not all easy though, at the same time as I was going
through the court process with my ex partner, working full time, my eldest
daughter had stayed in Bradford when I left as she had only been at high school
for four months and she did not want to change schools. My middle daughter
really struggled with the move and was having trouble dealing with the things
she had seen and the emotional abuse that she had suffered. I also had a one year
old son to look after, it was a struggle at times, but I never once thought of
using. I had made my decision. I was making our lives better for all of us and
I loved being there for my children and the feeling that working and
successfully running a home and paying my bills gave me. 
We stayed there for 12 months, during which time I came off
of subutex and for the first time in ten years was totally clean. I maintained my home and job and loved being
independent. I also managed to pay off some of the debts I had. Due to my daughter needing additional support
I moved back to Bradford to be near to my parents. 
In summer of 2014 I applied for a job with ARCH. I was not
successful in my application and I made a total mess of my interview. But I was
so scared, that it was an achievement for me to come to the interview. I
received good feedback and the day after I rang unity. I spoke to Tony who told
me to go down the next day. When I got there he said that the nvq level 2 was
starting that day, and if I wanted I could start, so I did. 
I had a rough idea of how the interview would be so was able
to keep my anxiety in check this time, and I got the job, this was in December last year, a great
Christmas present for me !
I started my job on the 12th of January and am
thoroughly enjoying it. I’m learning lots too. I have also started the level 3
nvq in health and social care at foster college.
